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Thursday, October 23rd, 2008
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12:23 am - hey coffee eyes
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i can't think.
it's all too distracting. but in a good way. a great way.
current mood:  .
current music: pink floyd
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(share your thoughts)
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| Sunday, October 5th, 2008
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10:27 am
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how do you know that you're really in love with someone? how can you tell the difference between infatuation love and lust? what if i'm being blinded by the fact that he likes me so much, that idea is so flattering, how can i say no. i'm pretty sure i do. i know its not just lust. i'm smart enough to know the difference. but there's a fine line between love and infatuation. i haven't known him that long even though it feels like i've known him forever. he's just so sure adn that scares me. how could he love me? ME? what have i got to offer him? nothing. and i don't want to say it back, i can't say it back because i know that the second i do he'll want to take it back. he'll regret the moment he ever said i love you.
i hate myself.
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(2 thoughts | share your thoughts)
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| Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008
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4:24 pm - the owls are out
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i like having a girl to talk to again. emy is cool.
i can't wait to work at the radio, i just hope they let me play whatever i want, not whatever they have.
i need a jobbbbbbb.
four of my favorite bands are coming to louisville in the next 4 months. yay!!
i could be doing homework right now. i say that every freakin 5 minutes. oh well.
i've had a revelation! it's taken me all summer but i finally got there. i don't know why i fought it for so long. but i guess its too late now.
i miss annie boone. high school sucks.
i can't tell if i like college or not.
we had to put my dog to sleep.
i want to cuddle with brendan and watch a movie. i wish he'd just come home already.
i'm a vey jealous person.
i'm also a mean girl. i'm working on that though. really, i'm getting so much better. it's a daily thing though.
college is all about self-improvment.
current mood:  exhausted
current music: rachel yamagata
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(share your thoughts)
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| Tuesday, August 26th, 2008
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8:19 pm
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| Thursday, August 21st, 2008
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8:47 am
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jacob and brendan leaving were bad enough, but last night was terrible.
i don't think i can do it again. but when jack and leah leave. you can just forget it. i'll be a complete wreck.
seeing andrew cry last night made it all worse. i hate having to go through this again.
and i don't know what i'll do if daniel comes back.
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(share your thoughts)
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| Monday, August 11th, 2008
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11:07 am
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This summer has been incredible. Honestly, besides the Kim thing, I've been having the best summer I've ever had. But lately, it has sucked. WHY?? I don't know if it's because school is getting ready to start or the change in the weather but people are changing and in my opinion, its not for the better.
I'm sorry, but I will never be accepted by that group of people. They just don't like me. I don't know why you all have to try so fucking hard to make them like you. Just be yourselves. And please, don't forget who your real friends are. The ones who have known you for years and who have been there through al of the shit.
I almost came home crying last night because of you and your friends. You haven't made me feel this way since last summer. LAST SUMMER. I don't know what i did to deserve this and I know that when everyone leaves and a few of you are left here you'll be calling me wanting to hang out. The worst part is, I'll probably come hang out with you because i like being your friend.
I'm not sure at what point in my life I began making bad choices in friends. I guess it started in high school. I've never really been able to keep a solid friend. Sometimes its my fault, I am so easliy annoyed my people. But other times I just get screwed over or we fade apart. For example, I'm getting really annoyed at my "best friend" right now. And Brendan, the one I'm really close to, is leaving on saturday. I'm so scared that the distance between us will create distance in our friendship. And as far as that entire group of guys go... well, i'm just getting completely screwed over to be honest.
College will be different. It has to be different. Maybe people will finally grow up.
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(share your thoughts)
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| Sunday, August 10th, 2008
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1:46 am - anyone?
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"i'm getting my last wisdom tooth in now. maybe this will be the one that works. blahblah....
mother. father. lonley. but its only my fault."
WHO SINGS THIS SONGGGGGG????
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(2 thoughts | share your thoughts)
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| Monday, August 4th, 2008
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1:19 pm - cry me a river
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| Thursday, July 31st, 2008
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11:34 pm
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| Tuesday, July 29th, 2008
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8:21 pm
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you know what i hate? coming home from y conferences to see how lame and shitty my friends really are.
current mood:  pissed
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(1 thought | share your thoughts)
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| Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008
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8:57 pm
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i dont know what i thought coming down here would do for me. i guess i figured it would fill up space or clear my head long enough to help me figure out what i want. it didnt. all of this time has only allowed me to dwell on the problems back at home. aksjvi;uaqhergb!!!!! it just pisses me off SO much. i haven't felt this way all summer. so frustrated and angry. everything is ending so fast and i just can't hold on anymore. being so out of control is not a good feeling.
this is how i thought my summer before college would go... kim and i would hang out every single day. we would take a million road trips, including one with chrissy to see our friends form IN again. we would go see say anything again when they came to cinci or IN. we would mostly hang out with chrissy and jacob and claire,meghan, jen and that crowd. and the trinity guys. never any of the stx guys (except bobby!!) bc well, that would be akward for kim and i wouldnt really have the need to. we would hang out with thomas and emmanuel too. and we would have plenty of dance parties.
but thats not how my summer went. at all. it turned out to be so much better than that. i became better friends with bobby, annie, zack, daniel, leah, molly, and brendan. oh! and r. haha i love her. the only bad thing is i got too attached to all of them. i never expected that i would miss zack and danielthis much when they went off to college but i'm really going to miss them a lot. and its funny, me being friends with leah. i didn't expect to be friends with her but i'm so glad we started hanging out. i LOVE that girl. i'm going to miss her when sheleaves but for some reason, i just know that she and i will always be friends. we have this weird connection. we don't have to talk everyday, we can go for weeks w/o talking but once we get back together its like no time has passed, its good.everyone needs friendslike that.
i don't know what i'm talking about.i'm just rambling. i just dont want to go to bed. i think i'm scared of what i'll dream about if i do go to bed. i stop having nightmares around june but now they've come back. i guess they aren't really nightmares they're just strange, twisted dreams that i'd rather not dream at all. but then part of me likes them, i dunno its weird.
i hope no one reads this, haha its such a waste of time.
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(share your thoughts)
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| Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008
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10:43 pm
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tonight at dinner i saw three girls walk into the restaurant and have dinner together. it reminded me of me kim and marlee. i almost started to cry.
marlee and i are talking again though. i'm glad. i've missed her so much, sometimes i cant even put it into words. but it was all for a good reason. i had my reasons- no matter what people say. she treated me like shit, took advantage of my friendship and wore me down. i had nothing left. and people call me a sell out bc i got on her for drinking but now i drink. let me just clarify something... i never got mad at her for drinking and i'm sorry if it seemed that way. i did however get mad at her when she would drink and drive and then on top of that when she would expect me to let her drive me around while drunk. unacceptable.
i just want to tell marlee about kim. she's the only person i want to talk to about this fucked up situation. however, to the untrained eye our situations look the same. kim did to me what i did to marlee. thats not the case. kim even told me i did nothing wrong and that i was the best friend she had ever had. what bullshit. what a bitch.
and even though part of me knows that i'm better off not being friends with kim, (i wouldn't be close to daniel, zack or leah. espcially leah, i love being friendswith her and i never would have thought about being her friend if i was still friends withkim. so i guess lose one gain three) the other part just can't get over it. everyone knows, she was my better half. yin/yang. blahblahblah. and i may sound obsessive but this has just happened to me over and over again. not just this year but throughout my life. i either ruin a friendship or it ruins me. either way i'm fucked. i get too attached.
and speaking of getting too attached. i've gone and done it. i got to attached. you warned me. you told me that you didn't want to do this because it would have to end in less than a month. you said you were sorry that we figured it out too late and that you really liked me but you just couldn't try it. it would hurt to bad. you were right.i got hurt. real bad. and don't bother coming back, i can't wait around even if several different people promise me that you're coming back. i won't.
can i just say something though? i like you so much. god damnit! i like you so much. i just want to tell everyone. hell, i just want to tell you even though you already know. and i've heard it before but it'd be nice to hear it again.
just one last thing. i can be a very vindictive and heartless person on a good day.
current mood: 4 pairs of shoes will do that
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(2 thoughts | share your thoughts)
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| Thursday, July 10th, 2008
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12:42 am
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i was driving somewhere today and all of a sudden i just started crying.
i.fucking.hate.this.
kim, no matter how mad i am for everything you did i still miss you a lot. and i would like to be friends with you
it just won't be the same and that sucks.
i want to tell you so much...
i want to tell you about the 'list', about me and annie and the night at andrews house (both times). i want to tell you about bobby f... and being high at bernhiem forest. i want to tell you about how much i adore matt horton and how i think you would too. and how marlee and i are patching things up : ) and about how i thought it was going to be easy for me to let zack and daniel go off to college in a month bc i'd still have bobby, john and andrew but holy shit... i was wrong. of course i'll still have bobby but i don't even know john and andrew any more. i've gotten so close to daniel and zack recently and i'm really going to miss them when they go. i don't want to lose them. and you know, i really like R, she's cool. i'd also tell you about bobby's 4th of july party when his parents left and (almost) everything that happened that night.
but the one thing i would never tell you is about the boy that i really, really like. (and who really, really likes me back.)
losing friends sucks. lets tally 'em up.
how many has it been this year: 5
current music: lemuria
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(1 thought | share your thoughts)
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| Friday, June 13th, 2008
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6:51 pm
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1. still stands but i don't think i made clear the fact that i dont care
2. i'm better now. now, thinking about it makes me smile
3. now that you're not avoiding me... nothings really changed
4. i still need that
5. still want that
6. oh well, just a few more days
7. i want you to stay but i DON'T want to date you :) lets just be friends
8. the longer i sit here, the more i realize that how much better off i am without all of you in my life
9. bert is ALIVE! ahhhhhhahahahaha
current mood:  nostalgic- but in a good way
current music: the teenagers
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(1 thought | share your thoughts)
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| Monday, June 9th, 2008
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3:08 pm
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"would you rather be happy or sad?"
"sad,"
"why?"
"because you can depend on shitty things happening. the good things just come & go..."
"oh, i see."
WHAT?
also...
1. i don't have good luck with guys named clayton.
2. the more i think about it, the more it makes me sick.
3. both of you avoiding me and ignoring me isn't helping the situation.
4. i need to go to college.
5. i wish i had long hair again, i hate, hate my hair.
6. everyone should come back from vacation.
7. i want you to stay. and i want to date you.
8. the longer i sit here the more pissed off i get.
9. bert died... i guess everything happens for a reason
?
current mood:  indifferent
current music: trail of dead
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(share your thoughts)
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| Thursday, May 22nd, 2008
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11:09 am
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you know, this month has really sucked
it has just been a shitty month, for most i'm pretty sure.
but (with out getting my hopes to UP)
i'm beginning to think that these next few weeks and this summer will completely make up for anything that has happened
i'm starting over.
no soul mate
no "friend"
no nothing
starting over with annie will be fUN- just what i need. she's pretty much the greatest person ever.
and getting to know chrissy and the st.x boys (again!) will be even better.
don't you worry, there's still time
current mood:  okay
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(share your thoughts)
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| Monday, April 28th, 2008
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9:50 pm
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i changed my mind.
i don't like this at all.
fuckingshit. oh well, whatev
after tomorrow, the rest of the week should be pretty fantastic.
current mood:  aggravated
current music: the smashing pumpkins, what else?
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(share your thoughts)
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| Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008
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8:11 pm
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oh.fuck.
hahaha
i like this. a lot.
alkmsvuiosr!
current mood:  hot
current music: explosions in da skyyyy
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(share your thoughts)
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| Thursday, March 27th, 2008
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8:47 pm
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right now, in my life, i...
*am very hot
*hate seeing you everyday at school
*don't mind year book
*can't see the mountain top
*wish guys would stop being mean to my friends
*wish that jacob would stop acting weird and start talking to me again
*am happy that they are together. really and truly. i have no feelings for him anymore
*think one you is acting like a jerk and the other is acting jealous
*like kissing
*like kissing a boy
*suck at life
*can't stop thinking about the decisions i've made in my life thus far and if they were the right ones
*wish andrew would be my friend again
*want it to be summer
*have stopped participating in school
*want to chill with cynthia ruca. all day long.
current mood: hot
current music: guided by voices
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(share your thoughts)
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| Saturday, March 22nd, 2008
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6:26 pm
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what are you doing kid?
you're taking her down a very steep path. her heart will snap at any second. but don't worry about it.
because you won't be around to pick up the pieces.
stoping such a stupid jackass, where did my friend go?
current mood:  disappointed
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(share your thoughts)
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unspokn_elegnce's journal
tired